At the risk of sounding like a complete looohooser...
I don't mean to just blog when im feeling negatively but right now its all ive got.
Today I feel a mix of things like hurt, anger, regret.
Some people just baffle me. Im 23 years old and at my age I didn't realise pettiness still existed? well at least one would hope it didn't. it is possibly one of the worst traits ever.
Anyone in my family could tell you that I have as much self confidence as a pea and I admittedly struggle a lot. I struggle to make friends and then keep them.
I exhaust myself in wanting to be liked. I feel as though the relationships I have or have had with people, mean a lot more to me that the actual reciprocator. Geeze I yearn for people that I have perhaps fallen out of contact with years ago. I miss people alot. Am I a freak?...
Did I grow up in a box? maybe, because growing up, my mum was my best friend. She just accepted everything that I had to say and never judged me in the slightest. She showed somuch love for me, and I really felt that...but perhaps through all this she failed to mention that I was in fact socially awkward and just generally sucked at being normal.
So yes, now the world knows that I am bit of a social retard, but on the up side I am grateful that I am sensitive. It has made me very aware of other people. This has definitely helped me to grow up to be a kind nonjudgmental person and I like that about me.
I am hurting now because I find it hard to fathom some people when I feel mistreated and judged. I frankly feel pretty foolish when I have tried really hard to be someones friend and then to have it thrown back in my face...its tough to deal with.
It is sad because I struggle to pull through hurt by myself. I need to learn how to find the surface by myself. Then perhaps I wouldn't yearn for people so much? and shoot my self in the foot by doing so...
Non of this makes any sense but tomorrow is another day and today I needed to get these thoughts out of my head.
The next post will be a happy post, honest!
Freelance Illustrator and Artist David Malan
8 years ago
Your honesty, along with being non-judgmental, is one of my fav things about you.
ReplyDeleteAnd your writing ability. And your sweetness. And your patient love. And...so many things, yo.
You're in my heart, tucked away safely.
wow i love you. youre so honest here. I admire you for so much! em you're an amazing friend and person with such integrity and solid character! youre so constant. I love you and miss you
ReplyDeletehaha and post more, even if it isn't happy bc i love reading your writings. MWAH
Nem, we all go there my love, everyone has inner turmoil that simply doesn't show on the surface. We are all masters of projection.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to have others around to help us through hurt. Not because we can't do it by ourselves (which isn't true), but because it's both quicker (and honestly who wants to hurt for *longer*) and a unifier.
Anyway, I'm guessing whatever sparked this is long gone, but loves ya anyway, big hug and go snugglepounce 'em into submission, that's my modus operandi. Might explain my own issues that, now I think about it.....
:)