Dear song,

you warm me from head. to. toe.

So call me a try hard. You don't get anywhere unless you try, right?

At the risk of sounding like a complete looohooser...

I don't mean to just blog when im feeling negatively but right now its all ive got.

Today I feel a mix of things like hurt, anger, regret.
Some people just baffle me. Im 23 years old and at my age I didn't realise pettiness still existed? well at least one would hope it didn't. it is possibly one of the worst traits ever.

Anyone in my family could tell you that I have as much self confidence as a pea and I admittedly struggle a lot. I struggle to make friends and then keep them.
I exhaust myself in wanting to be liked. I feel as though the relationships I have or have had with people, mean a lot more to me that the actual reciprocator. Geeze I yearn for people that I have perhaps fallen out of contact with years ago. I miss people alot. Am I a freak?...

Did I grow up in a box? maybe, because growing up, my mum was my best friend. She just accepted everything that I had to say and never judged me in the slightest. She showed somuch love for me, and I really felt that...but perhaps through all this she failed to mention that I was in fact socially awkward and just generally sucked at being normal.

So yes, now the world knows that I am bit of a social retard, but on the up side I am grateful that I am sensitive. It has made me very aware of other people. This has definitely helped me to grow up to be a kind nonjudgmental person and I like that about me.

I am hurting now because I find it hard to fathom some people when I feel mistreated and judged. I frankly feel pretty foolish when I have tried really hard to be someones friend and then to have it thrown back in my face...its tough to deal with.

It is sad because I struggle to pull through hurt by myself. I need to learn how to find the surface by myself. Then perhaps I wouldn't yearn for people so much? and shoot my self in the foot by doing so...


Non of this makes any sense but tomorrow is another day and today I needed to get these thoughts out of my head.

The next post will be a happy post, honest!

Oh, hello song of the day

http://theneedledrop.com/?p=253

It's 9:38am, and im already on my 5th listen.

Everywhere I go...

Music has taken a back seat for the past few weeks as life has been CRAZY busy with the ends of uni, YR 2! I find that when I have these long breaks from music its a huge refresh for me to go through my itunes. I discover and rediscover so many things, like this song 'Everywhere I go' by 'Lissie'. Its a beauty.




(ignore the dumb photo montage that goes with this video)

Sunday, 18th April

I want to take pictures

SO, I have been considering the idea of doing an MA in photography for a while now, and I am now feeling stronger about the idea...

I have been looking at the amazing works of a photographer named Lauren Dukoff, who has just inspired me to the MAX!
Simply stunning

http://www.laurendukoff.com/img/portfolio3/


...whether I can handle another hardcore year study once my current BA is up, I do not know!

I know that I want to take pictures all of the time and I find I day dream about different camera shots and compositions all the time, and I know how it excites me..


Ohsa well we shall see what the future brings.

Bring on sun and happy snaps!

Wednesday, 14th April

Some people are just not destined to back flip


I don’t think I will ever really be able to write and essay by myself.
Attempting to writing one never comes without its tear shed or a wanting to just give up on uni all together. Surely one can’t degree with out being able to write an essay?!

I try so hard, and do so every time one comes around, but I can just never ‘get it. My brain denies anything remotely academic and I can sit and read re-read things for hours and understand barely nothing.
Of what I can understand, I get confused as to where its then relevant? I don’t understand how many of my peers can write their essay in a night? A week to go on a paper still doesn’t feel like enough time to me.

Im emotionally exhausted from feeling like a 'worthless' and then being hugely embarrassed because of my ‘incompetence’. I am tired of feeling like I cant do things that I feel ‘mean’ something.
People says to me, ‘oh its just practice’ but honestly I know it is not meant to happen.

Pigs are not mean to fly and I am certainly not meant to be able to academically read or write.

Its hard to not get down and to not be embarrassed about something that is constantly in my face, and when it seems everyone else ‘gets it’.

I know I need to look at what I am best at, and find comfort in that. I am trying. I am just wooooorrrrn out.

I cannot back flip, BUT I can cart wheel and I need to feel contented with that.

Tuesday, 1st December 2009

This Ones for me.

Grief: RSM Darren Chant’s widow Nausheen, at the Guards Chapel. She is expecting their first child in February

I came across this image as i was reading the Evening Standard today on my way to university. A picture hasn't stuck me like this in quite some time. I don't know what it is about this women, but I felt like I knew her pain. After reading that she had only been married a matter of months, and that she was expecting her first born child, really humbled me.
What an awful thing to happen. Christmas is nearly here, but her husband wont be.

This makes me frightened of life even more than I already am. Life does go on, and stories like these remind me of all the things in my life that I have to be grateful for, and should learn to appreciate more! Life is scary, but there are things that soften the blow to make it not so. I should probably remember this.

Live. Love. Appreciate.